do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
