I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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