yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
