Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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