"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
