Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
