In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
