you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
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We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
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I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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