my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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