you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
