Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize