mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
