i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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