If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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