No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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