im having a threesome with these popsicles
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
