he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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