last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
