Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
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