i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
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What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
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