i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
