Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
