3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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