True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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