if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
