I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
