If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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