i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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