I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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