Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
