she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
