6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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