dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
