Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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