The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
