it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
