You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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