Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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