In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
