Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
