a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
