my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
