i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
