I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
