I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
