It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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