I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
