She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
