I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
