yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
