I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
