I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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