i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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