Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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