god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize