The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
