someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
