Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
